This article offers guidance for parents and educators in the how significantly children are affected by grief.
“The Event That Shatters Childhood” - Maxine Harris, 1995
There is substantial evidence of the profound and life-long impact the loss of a parent has on a child’s life. Maxine Harris, author of The Loss that is Forever: The Lifelong Impact of the Early Death of a Mother or Father suggests that the loss of a parent is catastrophic and so powerful that a child’s life is dramatically altered. Feeling alone and different, the pain and sorrow are forever etched in a secret place in their minds. The emotional space of their worlds is completely ripped apart and they no longer have any sense of their own identity.
Fundamental errors are made when adults compare their experiences of loss with the loss a child feels when a parent dies. The very concepts and language of a child are inadequate to capture the pain, the horror, the panic, and the terror of the loss of a parent. They have no words to help them understand what has happened and a terrifying sense of insecurity marks their lives. Everything feels different and unusual, nothing feels safe or predictable. A deep emptiness invades their world. Engulfed by the loss, a child feels there is no one to help them share the sadness or to help them hold on to their memories of the past.
School Environment
There are difficult and challenging feelings children have to contend with when a parent dies. Maxine Harris calls these “forbidden feelings” shame, guilt, and relief. Children who cry uncontrollably in school after the death of a parent are often ostracized from their friends or considered weird. Unfamiliar with symptoms of grief teachers often remove these children from the classroom and request medications for their “unacceptable” emotional outbursts. The strong messages children receive due to this type of reaction to mourning and grief is that it is not okay to cry or to be upset, particularly in public. They feel they must pretend that everything is always fine to prevent further humiliation and shame.
Grief Manifestations of Children
In 2000, Cerel, Fristad, Weller and Weller developed a list of normal and abnormal behaviors children exhibit when they experience loss and grief.
Normal Grief Behaviors
Shock or numbness, crying, sadness, anger, feelings of guilt, transient unhappiness, keeping concerns hidden, increase of clinging, disobedience, lack of interest in school, sleep disturbance, physical complaints, decreased appetite, temporary regression, believing deceased is still alive, relating better to friend for support rather than family.
Abnormal Behavior Responses
Repetitive crying spells, depression that is disabling, thoughts of suicide, persistent anger, believing they are guilty, persistent unhappiness, social withdrawal, separation anxiety, conduct disorder, decline in school performance, insomnia, physical symptoms of the deceased, eating disorder, persistent regression, persistent belief that the deceased is still alive, promiscuity or delinquent behavior.
To ensure that abnormal behaviors and responses do not develop into serious psychological problems a child should receive clinical treatment as soon as possible. Please do not take this issue lightly.
What Do Children Need?
Children need the absolute assurance that their parents or primary care guardians love them. This belief is so fundamental for their secure development, they will hold on to this even in the midst of any type of abuse. To feel safe in the world, a child has to feel loved by someone important to them. Parents and teachers need a clear understanding of the grief process children go through and the importance their role plays in helping them to heal.
