By understanding the needs of those experiencing grief, the holiday season can evolve from a period of sadness into a season of comfort, reflection and hope.
The grip of grief does not lessen during the holiday season but seems to increase exponentially with every decoration hung. There are over 2 million deaths in the US annually with 150,000 of these consisting of infants, children, teens and young adults. The Compassionate Friends reports that 25,000 families annually experience a stillbirth loss and over 900,000 experience an early pregnancy loss. There are multiples of these numbers struggling to push onward through their grief during the festivities of the holiday season.
The Impact of Holidays on Grief
The holiday season from Thanksgiving to Christmas and through New Years (as well as birthdays and anniversaries) impacts the grieving process particularly in five major areas:
- Creates mixed emotions - The season's bustle of activity can starkly contrast the tug of sadness that lies in a lonely, grieving heart. As the intensity of merriment and anticipation rises the force of the grief seems only to dig deeper. The grieving person may feel that their loss, in addition to their loved one, has been forgotten.
- Signals memories – Memories may be signaled by seasonal cues that have not been presented since the death. Seasonal decorations, scents, songs and childhood memories may be stimulated.
- Addresses religious beliefs - Fluctuating religious beliefs (an expected part in the grieving process) that the mourner may be struggling with may only intensify at holiday time with church services added and religious affiliations openly discussed.
- Requires social interaction - Social gatherings increase and often attendance is expected and even required. There may be increased interactions with distant relatives, friends or work associates who have not yet discussed the death and will offer condolences.
- Reconfigures family traditions - Annual family traditions are a marked reminder of the loss and dinner seating arrangements, gift lists and present exchanges all serve as a vivid reminder.
The Overall Needs of the Bereaved and "Stages" of Grief
Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., unlike Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, discusses in his book entitled Understanding Your Grief, the six overall needs (not stages) of the grieving person:
- Accept the reality of the death - This may take weeks to months to achieve.
- Feel the pain after the loss - Allow emotions to be expressed, don't keep a "chin up" approach. This may be particularly difficult for men who feel they must "keep strong" in front of others.
- Remember the person who died - Remembrance is enhanced by embracing memories, looking at photos, visiting special and memorable places.
- Develop a new self identity - New roles may have to be assumed as a result of the death. Self confidence in achieving life roles without the deceased is a critical but energy depleting step.
- Search for meaning - The sudden confrontation with one's spiritual needs and questions that arise needs to slowly emerge and be resolved over time.
- Let others help - Individual healing can often be assisted by opening up to others who are supportive and are aware of the process. Support groups with common needs can be both crucial and instrumental and should be presented as a choice to the grieving.
How to Help a Grieving Person through the Holidays - Aiding in Support and Resolution
- Listen - Listen without changing the subject. Allow true expression of grief. Talk about favorite memories (especially holiday memories). Follow the lead in the conversation to help discuss the loved ones' and the mourners' experiences together.
- Provide comfort – Provide comfort without increasing your words. Don’t say “I know how you feel” say, “When I experienced a loss, this is what helped me……”. Validate feelings and don't try to comfort by changing the subject.
- Be a trusted confidant - Assure (and keep) confidentiality.
- Be available – Don’t be afraid to approach the grieving. Be open to talking about photos, reviewing albums, talking about favorite memories or visiting a favorite place as a support. Offer an open-ended invitation for a lunch meeting, holiday concert or brief cup of coffee regardless of the mourner's emotional state. Suggest holiday remembrances to create a new tradition.
- Support without preaching - Don’t preach and don't assume to know what their emotional state is. Don't encourage the mourner to "keep your chin up" or that "it will get better with time". Offer to attend a holiday get together as a supportive friend with an exit strategy in place.
- Encourage and support self care - Encourage nutrition, rest and exercise to bolster their health. Grief lowers immune system function in a time when the mourner is often not eating properly, having sleep disturbances and is not motivated to exercise. A simple phone call or invitation for a stroll can provide a physical nudge as well as provide simple emotional support.
Additional Reading: Coping With Grief
Sources:
CDC, Atlanta, GA
Billy Graham, Hope For The Troubled Heart
